Thoughts behind closed doors
by Linef07
Summary: Jess contemplates her relationship with Nick after they almost have sex on the kitchen table. A sort of tie-in to the Chicago episode so SPOILERS WARNING FOR 2x20
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: This contains spoilers for the Chicago episode (2x20)

I do apologize if the formating is weird... I haven't uploaded anything to fanfiction in such a long time that I've totally forgotten how everything works!

This is just a short drabble that takes place after 2x19. It assumes that the Chicago episode picks up the day after...

**Thoughts behind closed doors**

As soon as the door shuts behind her (for the second time in approximately 30 seconds), she wants to yank it open, run across the hall and continue right where they left off. She doesn't though. Even though it takes all the will power she can muster, she doesn't. She's not completely sure why – she's horny as hell and there is no doubt in her mind that if Nick hadn't accidentally taken a hammer to the fish tank, they be doing it right now. On the kitchen table! She leans against the door, her breathing heavy and adrenaline cursing through her veins, making it feel like her heart is about to burst through her chest. Her thoughts are one big, jumbled mess running rampant in her mind; she just made out with Nick (made out with seems inadequate, but in lack of a better word…), they almost had sex! Right there! On the freaking table! _And_ they broke Schmidt's stupid, gigantuous fish tank… She groans out loud at the thought of the huge mess they left behind – but her usual sense of responsibility is buried somewhere under feelings of lust and anger, and there is no way in hell she could muster up the strength to go deal with the 100 gallons of water currently flooding their kitchen floor.

Instead, she walks to her bed and let's herself fall face-first into the blankets. Nick Miller! She burrows her head in a pillow and lets out a silent scream. She has never met anyone like him – someone that makes her want to tear off his clothes _and_ his head at the very same time. She keeps replaying their "encounter" _(which is still not the right word…)_ in her head – it's on repeat like some stupid, hypnotizing video she can't pause… She doesn't want to, really. She sits up on her bed, cheeks still flushed, heart still racing, but feeling a little more level-headed than 2 minutes ago. It's a bad idea with them. She knows it – Nick knows it. But at the same time there's something about it that feels right to her. She feels out of control when he kisses her – like there's some invisible force drawing them together. She never felt that with Russell or Sam or Paul. It's like she just can't help it – like they're out of control. It's exhilarating and scary at the same time… She shuts her eyes tight and tries to think of something else –anything else, but it's not working. Her body still feels too hot, and she's pretty sure it would take an hour-long cold shower to make her calm down.

She thinks about going to his room, knocking on his door… For the obvious reason of continuing where they left off, but also because she's curious to see how he's handling this. She knows him well enough to know that there is no way he has gone to sleep… Oh no! It's more likely that he's having a panic attack. She chuckles at this thought, but it turns into a groan – she just can't stop thinking about him. Even though she has basically spent the entire day in a Nick Miller trance, having actually acted on her urges seems to have only multiplied them. There is no way she's gonna fall asleep. Not with Nick just across the hall.

This, she thinks, is why you should never hook up with your roommate – you can't escape each other – it's bound to be a disaster! It really is just an immensely stupid idea with them.

Except… She closes her eyes and buries her head in her hands. What if it's more than just attraction? – What if it's not just sex she wants with him? She hasn't really let herself contemplate this before – but the thought has been lurking in the corner of her mind for a while now. What if she actually, genuinely _likes_ Nick? What then? She did use his stupid, disgusting port-a-potty, just to make him feel better, and the jealousy she felt towards that Shane person was definitely real too. And she likes being alone with him. Her favorite nights are those where Winston and Schmidt are out and it's just the two of them, watching a movie or eating left-over pizza – or reading the funniest of her student's papers out loud to each other.

But until tonight she has never let herself consider the thought of them being together. In the silence of her room, though, she can't stop hearing his words in her head;

_"We're just two roommates who wanna be friends but are sometimes attracted to each other…", _

_"it is something that I've thought a lot about – but you were never clear about it…"_

It's not exactly a declaration of love though… No, he probably just wants to have sex with her… that's probably all he meant. And maybe that's all she wants too – to have sex with him. Maybe that's all this is – just pure, unadulterated attraction and maybe, if they actually act on it, they can make things go back to the way they used to be. No more sexual tension. Right now, this seems like the most logical idea in the world. Why shouldn't they have sex? – Nick clearly wants to, she definitely wants to… And they're currently alone in the loft – something that doesn't happen too often… Really, it's the perfect opportunity… They really should just get it out the way…

She doesn't allow herself time to actually contemplate what she is doing, before she has left her room and is opening his door, not even bothering to knock.

She doesn't see him at first, but when she does, she immediately knows something is wrong. He's standing with his back to her, looking out the window, talking on the phone with someone. She doesn't get farther than to thinking that it's an odd hour to be on the phone with someone, before he hangs up with a strangely sounding "I'll see you tomorrow" and turns to look at her. "My dad's dead, Jess".

And just like that she knows she's not just in it for the sex.


	2. Chapter 2

_My take on the Chicago episode... enjoy and please R&R :)_

* * *

It's one of those phone calls he knows he'll remember forever. It only lasts a couple of minutes – his mother has never been one for smalltalk and this time, their brief conversation is so to-the-point it almost makes him laugh – if it weren't for the fact that she's calling to let him know his father has passed away.

"Yes of course I'm coming home"

"No, I can afford the ticket"

"Yes I'll see you tomorrow"

A heart attack, she tells him. Just like that. His mom is sounding so rational he just knows she's on the verge of a break down – he just hopes she manages to hold it together until he gets to Chicago, because he knows that the rest of his family is not going to be of much help.

He hears Jess come in even though he is standing with his back to the door. She's not exactly quiet; in fact, she practically bursts through the door to his room – like she does when she has something very exciting to tell him. But she stops in her tracks when he turns to face her and he doesn't think before the words slip out of his mouth - "My dad is dead, Jess" – it's not like there would be any idea in keeping it a secret anyway – but he can't help but regret it just a little bit when he sees her face fall. It's stupid, he thinks, he's the one who just lost his father and yet in this instant he feels sorrier for Jess than for himself. Sorry because he knows how attached she gets to people she barely knows, and because he knows how much she hates the way he and his dad left things a couple of month ago when he had come to visit.

"I'm so sorry, Nick" she says. He shrugs and tries to give her a reassuring smile –"its ok – we were never really close…" but even though that's technically true, the words don't ring true. No matter how much of a fuck-up his dad was, he was still his dad. He suddenly feels overwhelmingly tired and sits down on the bed. It creeks beneath him as he rubs his face with his hands and let out a sigh. Jess, whom he knows well enough to be able to tell that she is having an inner debate over whether to stay or leave, has seemingly decided on the former, as she tentatively moves closer and sits down beside him. She leaves some space between though, and he can't help at smile at that. It hasn't been 10 minutes since they were ripping each other's clothes of. He chuckles at this and she looks almost startled.

"We really should go clean up all the water" he states, because he's not sure what else to say.  
"It can wait" she says, looking at him, her head tilted slightly to one side. "You might wanna check when the next flight is"… "I heard you said you were going home tomorrow…" she clarifies.  
"Yeah…" he groans – it's really the last thing he wants to do right now, making travel arrangements.  
"I can do it for you if you want – you can start packing instead…" she offers, and he really wants to hug her. He doesn't.  
"Thanks Jess… That's really nice of you"

Neither of them moves to begin their respective tasks, though. Instead, she inches closer to him and reaches out to grab his hand. She gives it a tight squeeze "I'm really, really sorry Nick". She hesitates for a bit before she adds "life just sucks sometimes, you know". He can't help but smile at this and he can tell that's what she was going for. "yeah, it really does".

"I'll go book the tickets". She gets up to leave, but seems to change her mind. She quickly turns around so she's facing him, bends down and puts her arms around him. It's kind of awkward what with him sitting and her standing – but he doesn't care. He doesn't so much hug her back as he just rests his hands on her hips, his head coming to rest on her shoulder. Despite the awkward positions he feels himself relax a little bit. She smells nice, and her heart beat (a little fast, he thinks) is steady and strangely comforting. It's strange to be close to her like this – it somehow feels much more intimate than when they were making out earlier. He's so used to the two of them bickering all the time, the sexual tension always palpable between them. This kind of intimacy is new.

He clears his throat to break the silence and she lets go of him and stands up awkwardly. He has to repress a very strong urge to reach out for her again. "I guess I'll start packing…" he says, looking around his mess of a room with very little enthusiasm. Jess smiles at him as she leaves the room and he finds himself wanting her to stay. But he doesn't say anything and goes to fetch his suitcase from under his bed.

* * *

They end up coming with him. All three of them, Winston, Schmidt and Jess, and it means more to him than he thinks they know. It ends up being Schmidt who plans the trip (that's no surprise, really, with his control issues) and even though he's happy to be relieved of the task, he's not so happy when they arrive at the airport two hours before their flight takes off. Schmidt has plenty of explanations, though; _"what if we couldn't' get a cap, Nick? Or what if we got stuck in traffic? Or someone couldn't find their phone"_. The final argument is accompanied by a stern look at Jess who had spent half the morning searching for her hers. Winston had found it under the kitchen table and Jess had tried very hard not to blush when he had asked her how it had ended up there. The broken aquarium (the mess partially cleaned up when Winston and Schmidt got back from the hospital) Jess explained, was a result of Nick not being very careful when handling tools. This was both plausible and also not far from what happened, she thought.

They go straight to the gate (no one is in the mood for shopping anyway) and settle down in the waiting area – it's an odd feeling, Nick thinks, watching the early morning hustle and bustle at the airport – it seems wrong somehow that the world just keeps moving like nothing has happened. He shakes his head at his own thoughts, and watches Jess approach with four coffees. She hands one to Schmidt who sitting a few seats away reading a magazine, and she leaves one on the floor next to the bench where Winston is taking a nap. Then she sits down next to him and hands him a coffee. "Sorry, they didn't have anything stronger" she says and takes a sip. "It's fine – I'll have plenty of time to get wasted on the flight" he says, only half joking. "So how is your mom taking it?" she asks tentatively. He thinks about it for a second before answering; "I honestly don't know… I mean they'd been together for so many years, I can't imagine what it must feel like…" he trails off. "I mean he was a shitty dad and I was never really close to him, but it still just… it still just sucks… for me… so for her, I mean, they loved each other…" he's voice cracks on the last words, and he has to stare down into his coffee for a few seconds… Jess just nods and gives his arm a squeeze. "I'm sure she's glad you're coming home to help prepare the funeral" she says.

* * *

The trip to Chicago is quite uneventful – Jess is uncharacteristically quiet, and he can't help noticing that she seems to be watching him all the time. Like she's afraid he's going to have some sort of mental break down. Winston and Schmidt, on the other hand, don't take long before they're arguing over this and that, and he appreciates their effort to act normal around him. Their early start has taken its toll on Jess who soon starts yawn and struggle to keep her eyes open – she ends up sleeping during the entire flight, her head resting on Nick's shoulder, and when the seat belt signs dings, indicating that they're about to land, and Jess wakes up, he wishes that they could have stayed like that for a little while longer.

"Oh God, I'm sorry… I hope I didn't drool on you…" she states, clearly embarrassed, as she smoothes down her skirt. "You didn't, I promise". She doesn't seem to believe him entirely.

* * *

The next few days are… eventful. Of course he had, to a certain extent, predicted the chaos that meets them when they arrive at his mom's house, but Jess, who has never met his family before, is clearly taken aback. Schmidt and Winston have become experts at dealing with his dim-witted brother and bossy mother, and they know not to get into an argument with his cousin Bobby, but Jess doesn't know this, and thus spends most of their first day in Chicago trying to navigate around the various Miller family members. For some reason his mother doesn't seem to like her, and Bobby wastes no time before he starts unashamedly hitting on her. But in the end, Jess ends up saving the day when the Elvis impersonator is passed out drunk and she for unknown reasons decides that the best solution is for her to dress up as the king and sing "In the Ghetto" for the hundreds of people at the funeral. When she first steps out, wearing a huge black wig and a bedazzled, white suit, he almost starts laughing. Not because she looks ridiculous (she does – cute, but ridiculous) but because he's not really surprised – it's such a Jess thing to do! And of course she ends up winning over his mother (and everyone one else for that matter) and as he looks at her, giving it her all – dance moves and deep voice – he feels a strange tingling sensation inside, and realizes that Jessica Day has slowly but surely become one of the most important people in his life. And it's not just friendship or sexual attraction – it's something more, it's… his train of thought is interrupted as Jess finishes her performance and the entire funeral congregation is giving her standing applauds. He makes eye contact with her as she is standing in the aisle, slightly out of breath, cheeks flushed, and he tries to convey just how much this means to him. She gives him a small nod and he suddenly remembers that he's standing at the small podium in front of the coffin, expected to give his eulogy. Looking at Jess, who has taken a seat next to Winston, he feels that he finally knows what to say.

* * *

She notices when he leaves the wake, but doesn't go after him immediately. She's been talking to Bonnie for the past hour, or really, she's been listening to Bonnie talking about Walt for the past hour, and she doesn't want to leave just yet. Not when she's finally won Nick's mom over. Who knew an Elvis impersonation was all it took… Eventually, though, she excuses herself and makes her way up the stairs to Nick's old room. The door isn't closed shut so she pushes it open quietly. He's sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed, his jacket long gone and his tie undone. She knocks on the door even though it's open now – just to let him know she's there.

"Hey Jess"

"can I sit down?" she askes, gesturing towards the floor beside him.  
"sure" he offers a small smile and pads the floor beside him.

She goes to sit down beside him. She stumbles a bit in her heels and ends up sitting so close to him they're touching. But he doesn't seem to mind so she stays there and stretches her legs out in front of her, kicking of her shoes at the same time. She notices that he has taken off his shoes as well – he's never been one for formal wear she thinks. He doesn't say anything so she decides to start.

"so… I got your mom to like me…". She gives him a little nudge with her shoulder and he looks at her – he looks much better than he has for the past few days. Tired but less pained.

"I don't think anyone could _not_ like you after that performance Jess – it was pretty epic"

"it is one of the stranger things I've done… " they both smile at this and fall silent.

"hey Jess?" he asks after a beat.

"Yeah?"

"thanks for… everything. For being here. It really means a lot…"

"Of course"

Silence again. She takes a breath, preparing for what she is about to say.

"Your dad loved you Nick".

She's not sure why she's saying this, but she just really needs to be sure that Nick knows this.

"yeah…" it's clear doesn't believe it.

"no, I know he did – he told me…" she trails off, realizing that that is not entirely true.

"he told you?" he looks at her skeptically, but with a trace of hope in his eyes. She feels so bad all of the sudden because of course she can't confirm that…

"Well… it was implied…" she offers sheepishly.

"I'm sure" he says and turns his head away from her again. She feels stubbornness well up inside her, because she just _knows_ that it's true. Of course Walt loved his son. And right now she really needs Nick to believe this. She turns her body toward him, willing him to look at her.

"Nick, he loved you! He just wasn't very good with expressing his feelings, but when he came to visit you, I talked to him right before he left that morning."

He looks up at her at this.

"He told me to look after you, Nick – and he told me… well, he didn't…" she struggles to find the right words. "…but he wanted me to tell you that he loved you. I just know"

She's not entirely sure she's got him convinced yet, but he relaxes a little, and some of the stress and tension leave his features as he gives her a genuine smile.

"You're really amazing, Jess, you know that? I don't know what I would do without you…" she returns his smile, satisfied that she's at least managed to make him feel a little better.

"just promise me you'll never turn into your family" she says, half joking, half dead-serious.

He laughs, still looking at her, and she feels something stir inside her. This whole funeral debacle had put a very effective damper on whatever had been going on between them, but now, sitting so close to him, those feelings are making themselves known again. He's still looking at her, looking her right in the eyes, in fact, and she can feel her cheeks growing hot. But it's not the same feelings as a few days ago, when the broken fish tank had acted as an effective mood killer. Something seems to have shifted, and even though the sexual tension is definitely still there, it seems to have been overtaken by something stronger. They both lean in at the same time and the tingling sensation in her stomach swells when their lips meet, soft and sweet, and she feels herself melting into him. All her thoughts seem to vanish as she feels his warm hand on her cheek, yet there's one tiny thought that won't go away. And even as the kiss deepens, their tongues meet and she moves even closer to him, that one thought just becomes more and more persistent, making it impossible to ignore_; Jessica Day, you're in love with him._


End file.
